neverwouldiever | Kiss Kiss Bang Bang and other Sounds

"If someone is shooting at me, I'm going to try and avoid it because it's instant death. But all this stuff? I'm not really scared of cancers much. If anything is going to kill me, it's the drugs or the booze. Maybe the strippers. I have to say, last time I was in the Vegas Station of Delta Twelve, one of them pulled a knife on me," He had swiftly disarmed her and they'd had some amazing hate sex but the point stood. He was likely to die as a hedonist. And he was pretty happy about that. Death was something he didn't want, not really, but he'd be proud to go out doing what he loved.

"I'm not taking it with much love," John admitted, the smallest shrug as he looked over at Jack, raising his own had to start decontaminating the lower parts. Well, he doubted Jack was in the mood to do them and do them well. "But it's not too bad. Knowing you're not hated is probably the best you can get from old friends. That and the occasional fuck for old times sake."

So it seemed as though Jack had at least some kind of influence over him. Enough to make him do things, anyway, which honestly actually made Jack feel a little proud of himself. "There, see? Not so hard, is it?" He remarked as John began to scrub himself. He moved around back of him, releasing John's wrist and scrubbing at his back, particularly in the harder-to-reach areas that might have otherwise gone neglected.

"I'm mad at you, there's not supposed to be much love at all." Jack's voice was flat and his movements clinical and methodical. "You pull a gun on a friend of mine and start making demands after I'd trusted that you were going to behave for me, of course I'm going to be upset. Doesn't matter if the gun was loaded or not working, accidents still happen." He leaned in to look at John's face and address him more directly. "You're unpredictable and hard to trust." If John were to look at Jack, he'd see that he actually looked a little hurt. "I hate that I can't trust you. I used to put my life into your hands, and now I can't trust you with anything. Maybe I'm not the one who changed."

"You know, you always talk to me like a child when I do something right. Not a good motivator. Do you do that with your team?" John asked because yes, he knew he reacted in an immature manner but was there really much reason to join in and talk down to him? -- Well, probably. Admittedly a lot of John's problems were caused by John just being John. Something he didn't quite grasp himself, if he was perfectly honest.

"It didn't have bullets and I knew he was going to jam it. He wasn't under any threat. I wouldn't of killed him even if I had bullets, he's the pilot of this thing and the only one who can fix my wrist strap," John admitted because he wasn't stupid and he wasn't going to start pretending he did it for noble reasons. The fact of the matter was he benefited from the Doctor being alive. With a sigh, John reached out and ran his fingers tentatively through Jack's hair, unsure if it was going to get his fingers broken or not. "Look, I'm sorry. Okay? Sorry. I fucked up. But I'm always going to do that. That's why you were there to try and stop that. And maybe you can't. Maybe I am a universal and unending fuck up."

And John didn't actually mind that reality too much, if he was honest. "Doesn't mean I don't try. Well, for you. You're the only person I put any effort in for any more, most people just expect carnage from me."

Edited 2014-10-20 11:09 (UTC)

"I'll talk to you like an adult when you start behaving like one." Jack went back to scrubbing his back, making sure to be extra thorough and happily taking his time. He paused, however, when he felt John's fingers in his hair, and closed his eyes with a sigh. This was why John was poison. He rested his forehead against John's shoulder, enjoying the rare tender touch.

"That's all I wanted from you," he said. "An apology. I shouldn't have to be there to stop you from doing things like that... I can't always be, and I worry that if I'm not, then something bad might happen and it might happen to you." The thought alone could have killed him. He wrapped his arms around John's waist and pulled him in for a hug.

"Thank you. For your effort, I mean..." He frowned and placed an affectionate kiss behind John's ear. "You're hard to figure out sometimes."

"Well, you should have bloody said! How am I meant to know?" Apologises always had to be coaxed out of John, mostly because he rarely felt sorry. Only Jack seemed able to make him actually feel sorry and he didn't even get how that worked. Maybe it was just how he reacted, just like this. The holding, the affection, how could a guy resist? Especially a guy half as hung up on Jack as John was. He'd kill everyone in the room to have Jack... though he knew very well how flawed that concept was, he'd still do it.

"I wasn't going to do it," John insisted because he felt it was very important to make it clear that he really didn't intend to fuck up. He hadn't been outwitted or defeated so yeah, he was just making that crystal clear. "It was funnier in my head but thinking back, I guess it's less amusing to you, what with the gun and all. I didn't read the room, pranks are best played without weapons or radiation. Lesson learned."

Then, with an amused noise, he pushed himself up so he could give Jack a proper kiss on the lips. He didn't deepen it though, he got it, now wasn't the time to push things. "I'll keep trying. If I have to. Not overly happy about it, mind you, but here I am so."

This was the John that Jack knew. Sure, he was pompous, reckless, and insane on good days, but on the best days when they were on their own, this was the John that Jack got to know and love. He kissed him back and tightened his hold on him. Yes, he really was a sentimental old bastard after all.

"Is that something I can trust you to follow through on?" He asked, looking directly into John's eyes. He wanted to trust John, truly. But he'd just finished saying how much he couldn't. Still, he'd cut the snark and certainly looked sincere enough... but John was also a world-class liar. He lifted a hand to John's cheek, stroking it with his thumb. "I want to believe in you. Please don't make it hard for me to do."

"What? You want me to keep doing it forever? Or like a set amount of time?" John knew what Jack meant but he couldn't resist teasing. John didn't make promises like that, he knew he couldn't keep them. When things got hard, tricky or just awkward, all he wanted to do was lash out and hurt as much as he could. And it wasn't for a lack of trying, he was just very much set in his ways. It was easier t be a hedonist, it was easier to kill people for money and hell, it was easier to lash out. Surely Jack understood that better than anyone.

"I can try. How's that? If I try to be my absolute best, will that make you happy?" Of course his absolute best had leeway but he wasn't going to bring that up. Nah, he was just going to keep on enjoying the way Jack was touching him. Yep, definitely felt nice. Worthy of any lies and sweet words he had to give. "How about I just reel in the murders a little and cut back on the weapons?"

"I can't ask you to take them out entirely, but dialing it back would be a nice place to start. Less murder, more self-defence." He knew that he was asking a lot of John. After all, how much impact could he have when John had been in and out of rehab so many times for these problems already? "But yes, it would make me happy." He let himself smile a little. "I'd like to know that I maybe had some positive impact on you."

He shifted his focus a little, scrubbing a little at John's face before letting him go. "You should finish up and dry off. I'll go ask how much longer the decontamination of the TARDIS is going to be. Maybe we can still have some time together before he takes me back." He ran a hand through his damp hair and started toward the door of the chamber.

"It's not like most the bastards I kill don't have it coming. I'm walking karma, I am. You've seen the people I get paid to take out, I rarely feel all that bad for them," John did often get contracts to assassinate the worst of the worst so no, he wouldn't stop that. As far as he was concerned, he wasn't doing anything wrong there. But okay, yeah, the randomly killing anyone in his way could be scaled back. If it had to be at least. "Hey, you had a lot of positive impact. I just forgot a lot of it and time want by, it's hard to keep on top."

When Jack wasn't here constantly, it was a little hard to keep his life lessons at heart. Wiping the water from his face, John grabbed a nearby towel and started to dry his hair up. He wasn't standing around in a shower for ages while Jack buggered off so safe or not, he was getting out. "Tell the Doc I'm not nuclear any more, would you?"

Jack raised an eyebrow as John spoke about the people he killed. He wasn't supposed to be proud of it. After all, how else could he help convince him to change? Still, the compliment made his face soften, and he even smiled. "You always did have a hard time getting on top." He winked and left the chamber to turn off the spray and find a towel of his own to dry off with.

Jack had to step away from John. He knew that the TARDIS wasn't really in much danger of being irradiated. After all, it was able to handle everything that outer space and the time vortex had to throw at it and make it out just fine. He just needed some space before he fell back in love with John, which was remarkably easy to do, especially when he was being sweet and honest like that. It wasn't fair. Jack was supposed to be better than this; over it and John entirely. Still, he wrapped himself in his towel and went to seek out the Doctor. Maybe he could provide some insight.

The Doctor was halfway under the console, tinkering with something or other, mostly to distract himself and gather his thoughts. This was all a lot more than he had expected today and part of him regretted picking Jack up. Maybe he could have thought of another solution, perhaps even a better one, but this had seemed like such an obvious pick all until he'd seen him entangled with John. Now this mess.

Only his lower half peeked out, the sound of the sonic audible, as well as some banging. The usual.

He was initially a little cold, but found as he dried off that he was warming up quite nicely. Of course, maybe some of that had to do with nearing the warm TARDIS control room. He spots the Doctor's long legs sticking out from underneath the console and circled round until he was in front of him on the lower level, leaning on the railing to smile at him.

"She doesn't sound broken," he teased. "What're you doing under there?"

"Breaking her, probably," the Doctor admitted, moving out from under the console and then sitting up just enough to lean back against it and look at Jack. Forget about the whole fixed point in time issue, the really vexing thing about the man was that he knew enough about mechanics to be very hard to bullshit by pretending to have to do something or other with the console.

"Nice outfit. Bit breezy, isn't it?"

"A bit. I've dealt with worse." Jack smiled at him. "More comfortable than dealing with John at the moment, so I'll manage." He tilted his head, trying to imagine what it was he was doing under the console.

"I'm pretty sure you just break her so you have something to fix... and an excuse to go somewhere." It sounded plausible enough for the Doctor to do, certainly. It can get very boring, after all. "He apologised... sort of. I'm not sure whether to fully believe him but... I don't think he meant to hurt you... so I thought I'd come and apologise to you on his behalf."

"Well, he'd be really terrible at hurting me if he actually intended to do it with an unloaded gun." The Doctor looked at Jack, absently tapping his screwdriver against the side of his head. "You shouldn't feel responsible. I picked both of you up. It's not your fault that he is who he is. I think we all have enough to do just feeling responsible for what we do. Definitely shouldn't start going around feeling responsible for things outside our control."

The most hypothetical advice, but what else was new? "Do you still want me to drop him off at a prison?"

"There's plenty you can do with an unloaded gun if you're creative." Sadly, John was a very creative man. Still, the Doctor had a point, he supposed. It wasn't much use trying to change John if he didn't want to change... but then so many people had gotten hurt because of him, so of course Jack felt somewhat responsible.

"I suppose not... but I'd still want to change it if I could. John's done... a lot of bad things. but he's also done a lot of good, believe it or not." Jack sighed and folded his arms on the railing, resting his chin on them. "I just... feel like a babysitter sometimes."

Jack sincerely didn't know whether he wanted John to go back to prison just yet. He was certain he'd end up there eventually, but they were having fun still... right? "What would you do?"

"I can believe that. Most people have done good and bad. And very often the ones with the greatest capacity for bad can also do a lot of good." The Doctor looked past Jack, absently turning a lever of the console. "And the other way round." He ran a hand through his hair and ended up first tugging at it and then rubbing his earlobe between two fingers as he looked at Jack. What a question. Who was he to make such decisions? It was so tempting to make these decisions. But make them properly. Go back in time and keep John from ever becoming the man who'd end up disappointing Jack again and again.

"...I don't know, Jack." What would he do? What would he have done with the Master? What would he do if the Master came back, as he was starting to believe? "I don't know what I'd do."

He let out a slow breath and shrugged. "You have your team to think of. Ianto."

"He's not good for my team. I don't want him to go to jail, I think, but I don't trust him free, either." He sighed again and closed his eyes. "He can't be trusted on his own, and I can't watch him all the time. He sucks me in and I can't get away. He means too much to me." Yes, he was admitting that maybe he still felt something there. "I hate it. It just means that I can't disconnect like I can with other people... really inconvenient in times like this."

He laughed a little and opened his eyes to look at the Doctor, a fond look on his face. "I don't know how to be moderate like you. I'm either too harsh or too kind... How do you do it?"

"Because, Jack, whenever I try to really do all I'm capable of, the outcome is..." The Doctor trailed off, rubbing his eye before slowly lowering his hand. "I've made too many mistakes already. Tried to stop things that shouldn't be stopped and caused things that wouldn't have happened if I'd just..." Trailing off again he shook his head.

"The man you think I am, Jack, I don't believe he exists. And if he does, you're closer to being him than I am. I'm just an idiot who can't stop meddling."

"Your meddling helps people, though. It helped me." He nodded in the direction he'd come from earlier. "When you met me, I was closer to being John and anything... and you helped me. You probably saved me." Jack smiled at him and ran a hand through his damp hair.

"We all make mistakes, I guess is what I'm trying to say... And if you tell me that I shouldn't let mine bother me, then you shouldn't let yours, either. Sound like a fair trade"

"Everything I've turned you into and you still think I helped you." The Doctor smiled, although it really wasn't funny at all. He leaned back against the console, both hands behind himself as he looked at Jack, trying to determine just how he felt about all of this.

"You have to live with your mistakes, Jack. Don't have a choice. You can learn from them and you do. You did. You're better than that than I am." He shook his head. "It's too late for me now."

Jack's smile faded at the Doctor's words. That... actually stung quite a bit. "Everything you've 'turned me into'?" He asked. "I'm not a monster, Doctor." Some might disagree... Ianto did once. "I mean... I know you have a hard time dealing with me but I didn't think it was that bad." His shoulders slumped.

"It's not too late for you. I've met people it's too late for, and I wouldn't even put you on the list. If I've got the time, so do you. If anyone has the time for it, it's you."

"No! That's not what I meant!" The Doctor pushed away from the console, walking toward Jack and finally even putting a hand on his shoulder. Great job putting his foot into his mouth like an idiot. "I wasn't talking about that." Well, not directly. He supposed it was still a consequence. "You've seen it. You've seen them all. Mickey." He hesitated before he continued, because some names were never easy to say. "Rose."

With a shake of his head he pulled his hand back. "Martha, you've seen her change. Donna..." He broke off there, because Donna should be there, with him, in the TARDIS, telling him what a thickheaded fool he was. "Donna got away, I suppose. Wonder what she'd make of that." Oh. He supposed he should tell Jack about the Donna situation before he perchance sought her out. "I'm out of time. I can't fix things anymore. I'm just running, but it will catch up."

"You? You're never out of time, Doctor." Jack refused to believe that the Doctor could ever really die. After all, if the Doctor died, who would he have to keep him company when everyone else is dead and gone? "You can't be." He reached for the Doctor's hand, squeezing it.

"You're a good man, Doctor. I know you don't believe it, but you really are." Jack's smile returned as he pulled the hand to his mouth to kiss his knuckles. "And you've made everyone around you better, too."

The Doctor looked at Jack and opened his mouth, but then he closed it again, turning his head to the side and letting him kiss his hand. It was selfish, really, all of this talk. He didn't want Jack to stay with him, but he didn't want to be alone. So much loneliness inherent in him and it was only ever selfishness to drag others into this.

"Back to your problem. Your John." He smiled weakly as he focused his eyes on Jack again. "I'm not sure what to tell you. I know he hurt you and we both know he'll do it again, whether he means to or not."

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