neverwouldiever | Kiss Kiss Bang Bang and other Sounds

Jack was nearly about to reach for his vortex manipulator instead when the Doctor had decided that he wanted to cooperate. Great. He sighed and lowered his arms. He wasn't playing around, and this wasn't fun for him anymore. "That was Christmas, right?" Jack wasn't sure where he was going with this, but no one would soon be forgetting the Christmas that the Titanic nearly crashed into Buckingham Palace. "Maybe you should." He turned his attention right to John, staring hard at him. "I like clever men who don't make stupid decisions."

The Doctor's reaction made Jack's eyebrows lift in surprise. He wasn't sure what he'd been expecting, after all, who knew how long that valve had been leaking before the two of them stepped in to fix it? "..How bad is it?"

"You like anything that breathes," John shot back with a frown, looking at his readings with a frown. There was radiation but it wasn't too bad. For radiation anyway. If he didn't get inside that ship then he was probably going to die slowly and painfully, it was a matter of getting away from the exposure that mattered. With a sigh, John gave Jack a look that was just on the verge of a sulky child who'd been proved wrong.

"Well. Shit," John said bluntly as he turned to Jack, a mischievous twinkle in his eye. Oh how could he resist one more chance at giving Jack a shock because hell, they'd spent days together with Jack waving his authority around. Time for John to take the piss.

So, with a shrug, he cocked the gun back and without little thought, he fired.

And nothing happened. John grinned playfully, pressing it a few more times because he knew this was going to happen. For two reasons. One, the gun was entirely empty. And secondly, he was pretty sure the Doctor, being the smark bloke he is, already jammed it. Holding it up playfully, he offered it to the Doctor standing in front of him. "You cheated."

"Not so bad, Jack. If we get some treatment in the TARDIS we'll be right as rain. Well, the two of us, I suppose you're usually right anyway."

Glancing to the side as the gun was cocked, the Doctor really didn't look all that worried. However, when John 'fired', he did pretend to be startled, clutching very dramatically at his right heart. It lasted for about two seconds before he started to smile.

The Doctor took the gun from John, his grin only widening as he opened it up to check. Just as he'd expected, unloaded. "So did you!" He threw the gun behind himself and started off in the direction of the TARDIS. "Come along now, John Hart, I'll give you something against the radiation. Wouldn't want that pretty hair to fall out, isn't that what Jack said?"

Now Jack felt cheated. He felt all of the tension leave his body at once, and it nearly left him weak on his feet. That really wasn't fair. He hated being left out of the loop on situations like this. He dropped his arms and rubbed his face, trying to get all of the tension out of it.

Now that the calamity was over, Jack felt a surge of rage shoot up through him, and he very, very much felt like punching John. So with a few steps to close the distance between them, he did, throwing his fist as hard as he could manage at John. "Don't you ever, EVER do something that stupid in front of me again!" He honestly didn't care whether or not John was having fun. Jack was pissed off, and he would drag John's unconscious body back to the TARDIS if he had to.

John reeled back, dropping his head downwards, blood dripping from his face because ow, that was certainly Jack's full effort. Growling in annoyance, John shoved Jack as hard as he could away from him, tempted to throw a punch himself. "I didn't have a loaded gun, you bastard! Why the hell did you hit me? I didn't do anything!"

Was the dumb stupid prank not funny for Jack? Well, that was weird! Wiping the blood off his face, he held out his hand to gesture to the Doctor, looking awfully annoyed that only he got punished. "Aren't you going hit him too? He knew! He could have told you, he lied. I always lie, what's his excuse? He's your mate."

Shaking his head, John started to leave because what else could he do? Fight Jack till he died of radiation? Nah, no fun. Plus Jack would be fine. Boring. "God sake, you don't shoot a bloke and look what happens? And then you ask why I always kill people!"

"Well. For the record, I technically didn't know until just before I enabled your vortex manipulator." The Doctor had turned around when the two started fighting behind him. Alright, Jack was the one throwing punches, but John didn't seem as if he was that far from it either. He shook his head when John seemed to calm down enough to just follow him instead. With a snap of his fingers he made the TARDIS doors open, waiting for the two Captains to be ready to go inside.

"Life's too short to waste time fighting! Make love not war! Something or other, I'm all out of quotes, come along already before I settle on Lion King again."

"I hit you because you could have killed our one ride out of here, you idiot! Do you know how to fly a TARDIS? Because I sure as hell don't! And even if it were loaded, you'd have done the same thing!" He growled and grabbed John by the jacket, shoving him in the direction of the TARDIS.

"Let's go before more of your terrible decisions end up killing us all." Now the question would be what to do with John, because in Jack's mind, that was definitely on the 'fuck up' end of the list. "I've about had it with you."

"How could I kill him with an unloaded gun? Prick." John shot back as he roughly jerked himself out of the hold, once again using all his weight to push Jack away because hey, he was a pretty strong and intimidating guy when he wanted to be. And when Jack wanted to hurt someone, he really went for it. "I wouldn't of shot our ride, genius. Never kill the driver, that's rule number one. God, you really do think I'm that stupid."

To be fair, John could sometimes be that stupid and it wouldn't be the first time he'd stranded himself somewhere in his recklessness. Whether it was killing a partner or accidentally mortally wounding the person with the keys to the ship. Though he did rarely kill anyone who had a ship he couldn't fly, he wasn't a total idiot after all. "If you've had it with me, let me go! It's not my fault you've decided you have to babysit me."

"Jack." The Doctor's voice was soft, gentle, just as his hand when he put it on Jack's shoulder once he was close enough. "It's alright. No harm done, he just had to try." He turned to walk inside the TARDIS, already starting her up while he still waited for the other two to follow behind him.

He hadn't been worried about John killing him, not really. For one thing, he was still waiting for four knocks. For another, for better or worse, John cared what Jack thought of him. And some things, as Jack's anger showed, could be a permanent deal breaker.

"Where do you want me to take you?"

"I've been on the business end of your stupid decisions, John, so yes, I do think you're that stupid." He grumbled and entered the TARDIS, feeling marginally less frisky than he did when he first entered in that night.

"You should probably take me home, Doctor," he said, leaning against a rail and rubbing the hand he'd struck John with. "Get this bastard to prison where he belongs. I'm sure someone's out there looking for him."

"See, see! This is exactly what I said would happen. What always happens. You get bored, you get lonely, you spend a few days with me and then you dump me off in a prison. You only kept me around cause eyecandy's having doubts about you and I was the entertainment for the week," John said with a smug smirk on his face, slamming his hand down onto the railings to make his point. Yes, it hurt, but he found it easier to fall into cocky than sad. Never show weakness, that was very important in his line of work. And, naturally, in prison. So it was worthwhile to get into the zone of it now.

He wasn't deluded, he was aware that this was his fault again but he never could help himself. This was just who he was. And he thought not using bullets would please Jack for once. Apparently not.

"And then he says bullshit like 'oh I don't want to see you suffer'. I mean give me a fucking break, Jack. You just tried to knock my teeth out," Rolling his eyes, John slumped over the rails and gave the Doctor a pointed look. "Hurry up then, nearest prison. Chop, chop!"

The Doctor put on his glasses, mainly so he'd have something to do while he felt like he had gotten caught in an argument that really had little to do with him.

"Eyecandy?" Was that a name or a nickname? One never knew with Welsh people. The Doctor decided that maybe it was better not to ask. Instead he was watching John, finding himself sympathetic to him without meaning to. Maybe it was because he thought he understood it. Maybe his reflex of cockiness was so very familiar, painfully so.

He turned to the console, pretending to set coordinates and mainly just focusing on getting them into orbit. "It will be a while, I need to get her all set. Wouldn't want to accidentally radiate another planet."

With a frown he pushed up his glasses and looked at Jack. "Can you take him to the infirmary? You know the way, right? The TARDIS can level out his radiation there, shouldn't take long. I just don't want him to play doctor." The Doctor winked at John. "Besides, it seemed like you had a lot of things to discuss when I picked you up." Discuss, snog, something like that.

"Ianto," Jack corrected, perhaps a little more stiff than he'd meant to. He hated that he couldn't go home right away and call Ianto and hear him tell him what a jerk John was.

"Oh, I think that conversation has well-passed by now, Doctor," he said with a decidedly bitter note. Jack pushed off from the rail and moved to start herding John in the direction of the med bay by way of shoves and little kicks to his injured leg. He couldn't understand how the Doctor wasn't upset by any of this, and actually seemed to be rather playful about it.

When they were out of earshot, Jack roughly grabbed John by the shoulder to make him listen. "Next time you want to play the sympathy card, try to make it credible. You know as well as I do that if I wanted you to suffer, I could make you suffer. You're lucky all you got away with was a punch. I should have knocked your teeth out for that stupid ploy."

"Fuck, ow! You kicked my leg, he kicked me leg!" John clarified very loudly for the sake of the Doctor because seriously, that was very rude and someone should punish Jack for doing it. With an annoyed sigh, he followed on with Jack... not that he had much choice, given that he was pretty much shoving him along the hallway and threatening his injured leg. Proper motivation always worked.

"He does like me, doesn't he? I can tell. Well, he does and he doesn't. I remind him of someone, he said so," John insisted with a smirk, seeming completely unbothered by the threats because hey, would Jack really hurt him around a man he adored and saluted who almost seemed on his side? Hopefully not. "I think it's an ex, personally. Does he have many tigger happy ex's? I bet that's what he's getting. Into the bad boys, is he? How cute."

Worth an ask. He could so use that to his advantage. "Look, if you were going to, you would have. But you didn't. If you want to then stop fucking around do it," John insisted, turning to Jack with a look that almost implored him to act. To do something. Because that would have made sense to him. But one moment Jack was worried, the next he was threatening, he understood violence more than these stupid emotions everyone had. "Go on, do it. Do something. I mean you wanted to before, didn't you? Got time now. Take all my teeth out and toss me in a jail if you hate me that much."

John did have a point. There was a point in time where he would have gladly taken out someone's teeth one by one, though generally for offences worse than that. Time had changed him, though it didn't remove the desire to do it altogether. The more and more John ran his mouth, the more he wanted to hit him again. But sadly, time was not exactly on their side. "Yeah, actually. The shit his ex did would make you seem like a basket of baby bunnies."

Jack stopped short when John unexpectedly turned to face him. He knew that look all too well. He'd fallen for it earlier that evening when they'd fought before, in fact. He'd always figured it as John's way of dodging or changing topics, and he hated that it worked so well. "I don't hate you. I'm pissed off at you, but I don't hate you. You're not worth wasting my energy on hate." He grabbed John by the shoulder and spun him back around, shoving him back down the hallway. "Move it."

"His ex sounds like fun. More fun than you two killjoys," John shot back, though he found it hard to believe that anyone could make him seem that sweet. And strangely enough, it near offended him. How someone be better at being worse.

"See, there you go, contradictions! I'm not worth your hate but I'm worth being stuck in your company cause I'm wounded. And hell, I'm worth a punch."

Okay not his best argument but never the less, John limped forward, knowing when it was easier to surrender. "I'd rather you hates me, Jack. Really."

"I wouldn't wish his ex on anyone. Not even you. If the Doctor says you remind him of his ex... I can see what he's saying. Not exactly a good thing, though. You are about as much of a dick as he is."

Jack frowned. He hated having to be mean, but John wasn't exactly making it easy for him to be nice, either. "It's not a contradiction if it's pity. And yes, John, I pity you, all right? I think you're sad and you're lonely, but you're too damn prideful to change anything, so you lash out and find unhealthy ways to cope, because it's easier that way. It's less wanting to be with you and more looking after you."

"The question is was he actually a dick or was he just fed up of dealing with you two. Cause if so, I totally get it," John insisted because seriously, this shit was getting hard to deal with. The Doctor was definitely softer about it but honestly, the morality bullshit was starting to give him a headache. As was Jack trying to talk sense to him. Did he look like the kind of guy who wanted this sort of talk? Cause he wasn't. He didn't want to hear about the guy he'd been hung up on pitying him.

"Don't pity me," John insisted coldly because sure, his life was flawed but he was happy. And if he ever wasn't happy, he knew plenty of illegal means to trick himself into thing he was happy. "And don't look after me either. Stick me in a prison as soon as we've checked just how nuked my body is because honestly, I couldn't give a shit any more. You can't just hold that constant threat over my head like that. Nah, fuck it, I'm done here."

He'd vastly rather be in prison than deal with this any longer. "Any jailer will be better to deal with than you."

Jack very, very much wanted to tell John just how nasty the Master had been, but decided it really wasn't worth the effort. He opened the doors to the med bay and ushered John in. It stung a little, what John said, but he wasn't about to let it get to him. Not that he'd show, anyway. Jack was always better at hiding those feelings than John was; much less likely to lash out in an emotional outburst, but then, John was very good at getting things done.

"You're right, a jailer would be better than me, because you know that you can't fuck with me because I know aaaalll of your little tricks, John. I don't put up with your shit, and you can't manipulate me like you can everyone else."

Jack flipped open his Vortex Manipulator to scan John. "How are you feeling? Are you feeling sick at all?" Just because he was mad at John didn't mean he didn't care.

"Oh well, I'll take a ninety nine percent success rate, better than nothing," John refused to get into this any deeper because he didn't want to. His pride was already wounded by the suggestion Jack pitied him all things and hell, his jaw was on fire after that punch earlier. And not in a sexy way either. From where he stood, he was just annoyed and he kind of wanted to smack Jack in the face with a nearby tray of tool.

But he didn't because hey, look at that, self control. He didn't used to have much of that before so this was quite the achievement.

"I feel like someone punched me in the face and irritated my gunshot by kicking it," John replied bluntly as he checked his own scanner. He still couldn't teleport but at least it did readings now. He didn't need Jack giving him a check up, he'd be fine. Hopefully. He did feel a little off but that was probably the sobriety. No drink all day, horrible feeling. "Why do you even care?"

"Yeah, well you're a twat, so you deserved it," Jack's voice was pitiless as he read his readings. "Take off your clothes and step into that chamber over there and I'll get the shower going." He shut his vortex manipulator and began shedding his own clothing as well, as they were no doubt heavily contaminated. He wanted to not care, truly, but that wasn't Jack. He sighed.

"I care because I'm an old, sentimental bastard, okay? And even though I'm mad at you, I still can't hate you for some reason. Probably because you're the only guy in the universe who can actually wear me out." He ran a hand through his hair, finding it hard to look at John all of a sudden. Maybe he did feel somewhat guilty about this. "Is that the answer you want? Is that what you were looking for?"

"Look at you, one moment it's name calling, the next you're asking me to strip," John dismissed but hey, he didn't hestitate, he already had his coat and shirt on the floor, shoes kicked off elsewhere. Like he was going to deny any chance to strip off. Once his trousers and boxers were happily left behind, he soon joined slid into the shower, looking more bored than playful because he always hated decontamination. It was such a tedious and wet process. And not in a good way.

"No, not really," John admitted because it wasn't what he wanted. He didn't want to hear that Jack liked him solely because of nostalgia. Hell, he didn't even know what he felt about that. He liked wearing Jack out, it was a good trait to have but he always got the feeling Jack had outgrown him. And it was never fun to be in that position. "I think anything I'm looking for from you, I'm never going to get."

And that was the truth, John shrugged his shoulders because he didn't know what else to do. So he settled for falling back on humour, an awkward smile on his face. "For the record you are an old bastard. And I think you're getting grey hairs. Plus you've slower now, I'm worried when we next fuck, you're hip will fall out or something."

"I'm not trying to be cute, your clothes have been irradiated. If you're lucky, they'll have picked up more than your skin, which means they should probably be disposed of." Jack tried to sound as bored as John did. He didn't want to think of a time where he maybe, possibly could have carried a tiny little torch for him, and he certainly didn't want to think of why that was even a thought in the first place. He had Ianto back home, and for now, that was really all he needed.

John's answer, however, struck Jack in an odd way and brought a lot of questions to the forefront of his mind. He watched him with a scrupulous eye, trying to read him and come up with any answer to the new questions he had.

"You wish I were going grey. If I were, it would mean you finally had a leg up on me in something." Still, he tried to catch his reflection in a pane of glass to see if he noticed what John was talking about. Rubbish, as always. But back to those questions...

"So what do you want from me, then?" He asked, moving to fiddle with the controls for the chamber. "You want things to be the way they were before?"

"You wish you weren't going grey," John leaned against the inside of the shower, eyes on his coat with considerable concern because he'd rather be nuked than lose his coat. He had that one for years, it was a proud steal and not one he was willing to part ways with easily, he'd happily die to have a hold of it. Or maybe he could denuke it later? Either way, he'd be keeping it.

Looking at Jack, he raised an eyebrow, unsure what kind of answer Jack was looking for from him.

"I'm not stuck in the past," There was a level of annoyance in his tone because he was very aware that's what Jack believed of him. That he was some idiot stuck in his memories unable to move on. And that wasn't entirely the case. Yes, he was still kind of hung up on Jack but who wouldn't be? Jack was one of those kind of guys everyone wanted. And John knew he didn't have a chance at that so the past was a nicer thought really. But he knew it wasn't true. "You're not the bloke I knew. I mean we were mates because we were similar kind of guys and all but we're not now, are we? We got nothing in common. You changed."

And that was true because John knew for certain he hadn't changed. For better or for worse, he was consistent. "It's not my fault you changed."

"Time changes people, John, and I've had a lot of it." With much, much more of it to come, as well. He didn't want to think about all of the changes he was going to make in the future or what that future would bring. "We're different people, sure, but we've always been. You know we were only partnered up to begin with because we were so different, right?" He wondered briefly if John knew that at all. Surely he had to have guessed it at some point. "They thought you were unstable and stuck you with me, hoping you'd level out. And you did for a time. I noticed it, right up until we left and I stopped restricting you. Then I became more like you for a while." He looked sad. "Which is a shame. I kind of liked you better."

Once he'd figured out the controls, Jack turned on the decontamination spray and moved to collect John's clothes. Maybe he could save them after all. It'd be better for everyone if John wasn't walking around naked -- Jack especially. In fact, watching him shower wasn't exactly easy, either, as thoughts of past romps in showers flashed to the forefront of his mind. Easier to busy himself with clothes.

"I changed, but I don't think it's as much of changing into a different person... just closer to show I used to be before I let you poison me."

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