neverwouldiever | Kiss Kiss Bang Bang and other Sounds

The Doctor leaned back because he wasn't given much of a choice. And people wondered why he disliked guns. He wasn't worried about dying, partly because he knew that it wouldn't be now. Four knocks and this time, there hadn't even be one. This wasn't how he'd die, never mind how hard the gun was pressed against him.

Maybe he ought to point out that killing him would definitely mean not getting laid with Jack tonight, but he reckoned this wasn't going to work at this point either. So instead he moved his hand a little, hoping it wouldn't draw attention, closer to the sonic screwdriver. "How long since you left the TARDIS, John? You can take a lot less radiation damage than either of us."

Jack was fully ready to bargain with John, threaten violence, anything to get him to release the Doctor. However, when the Doctor spoke, Jack paled. He was right, and Jack hadn't even stopped to consider the fact that there might have been radiation leaks through the hallways. Either that, or it was a clever ploy by a very clever man. In any case, he still looked absolutely horrified.

"John... John we need to go back to the TARDIS. You might have been exposed... and if you were, we need to get you treated right away. Please, don't be stupid, and just listen!"

Radiation? Wait, what? No. Shit. They were lying. They had to be lying because he was winning for once and they couldn't take it. Grinding his teeth, John stayed his ground, even if the slight tremble of the gun gave away that he was feeling a little less confident. If there was one thing John liked and one thing he cared about, it was being alive. Trust these two to try and rob that from him too.

"You're lying. You're just trying to get me to drop the gun. I'm not going to. I'd rather be radiated," John insisted, even if he wouldn't. They were tricking him, it was as simple as that. Right? There was a brief moment when he frowned, looking at Jack like he wasn't quite sure. "... You're lying. I'm sure of it."

"Drop the gun? Now, why would you do that? Keep the gun where it is, how about that? Let's just walk back together, you can keep threatening me. Makes you feel powerful, doesn't it? Gun in your hand. Too bad it doesn't help against radiation." The Doctor's finger in his pocket had reached the screwdriver and he slowly tried to spin it around so he could actually use it. Not an easy task with a gun at his temple, but he'd been through worse.

"Jack isn't lying. He didn't even know until I told him." Now, whether or not the Doctor was lying, that was another matter. But either way, the power of suggestion could be very influential. "But you can feel it, can't you? Crawling all over you. Let's go to the TARDIS. Bring the gun, it'll be fun."

Sometimes, Jack wished that the Doctor would just shut up. John usually didn't take well to being so openly mocked. Still, he was usually better at this sort of thing than Jack was, and that was very much a saving grace.

"John... I'm safe. The Doctor is safe. Our bodies can handle it... Yours can't. Trust me when I say this, John, cancer is not a great way to go. Not to mention all of the other health effects it'll have on you." He took a cautious step forward, hands empty and raised. "If we hurry, we can help you. Your hair is much too pretty for you to lose."

"I'm not being tricked by this fucker," John insisted as he kept the gun firmly against the Doctor's head. Hey, he'd had radiation sickness before and hell, if he was going to die because of these two then he was at least going to make a mark. Adding pressure and taunts to John when he'd under stress was perhaps the most unwise move anyone could make, it always made him a little more impulsive.

John was at heart a gambler. "You're trying to get into my head, aren't you? I know it. I'm not a idiot. Suggesting symptoms so I feel them? Oldest trick in the book, mate. So here's the easiest way to prove it to me, prove that I'm being radiated. Fix my bit of kit here and I'll be able to detect the radiation." John said as he shoved his arm out a little further so the Doctor could take a look. Maybe do whatever zappy thing he did with that blue wand he had. "If you actually give a shit about me and you living through this then fix it? If you don't, we die together. Seems fun, right? Death! Exciting. Never done that before."

John let out a nervous but reckless laugh with anything but a stable smile on his face. Dying was terrifying but dying while he took someone with him he didn't like? Seemed like a fitting end. "Come on, times a'ticking. If I'm going to die, all these moments are very precious."

The Doctor raised an eyebrow, but he acquiesced readily enough, taking out his screwdriver and flipping through the seconds. Only for a second or two it ended up being pointed toward the gun, but the Doctor's eyes were on the screwdriver and his eyebrows went up. Huh. Well.

He held the sonic screwdriver against John's vortex manipulator, shifting his weight from one feet to the other as a song started to play. He hummed the first few beats of 'My heart will go on', but one glance at Jack's serious expression made him stop the song and, after a few moments, the humming as well. "I was on the Titanic once. Well. Twice. But one time in space. Not the original Titanic, obviously. But it didn't end well either. I met an Alonso there. Maybe I should introduce you some time, Jack."

While he talked he finished up unlocking the settings required to measure radiation. He grabbed John's wrist to have a look, whistling under his breath. "Would you look at that! There really is radiation."

Jack was nearly about to reach for his vortex manipulator instead when the Doctor had decided that he wanted to cooperate. Great. He sighed and lowered his arms. He wasn't playing around, and this wasn't fun for him anymore. "That was Christmas, right?" Jack wasn't sure where he was going with this, but no one would soon be forgetting the Christmas that the Titanic nearly crashed into Buckingham Palace. "Maybe you should." He turned his attention right to John, staring hard at him. "I like clever men who don't make stupid decisions."

The Doctor's reaction made Jack's eyebrows lift in surprise. He wasn't sure what he'd been expecting, after all, who knew how long that valve had been leaking before the two of them stepped in to fix it? "..How bad is it?"

"You like anything that breathes," John shot back with a frown, looking at his readings with a frown. There was radiation but it wasn't too bad. For radiation anyway. If he didn't get inside that ship then he was probably going to die slowly and painfully, it was a matter of getting away from the exposure that mattered. With a sigh, John gave Jack a look that was just on the verge of a sulky child who'd been proved wrong.

"Well. Shit," John said bluntly as he turned to Jack, a mischievous twinkle in his eye. Oh how could he resist one more chance at giving Jack a shock because hell, they'd spent days together with Jack waving his authority around. Time for John to take the piss.

So, with a shrug, he cocked the gun back and without little thought, he fired.

And nothing happened. John grinned playfully, pressing it a few more times because he knew this was going to happen. For two reasons. One, the gun was entirely empty. And secondly, he was pretty sure the Doctor, being the smark bloke he is, already jammed it. Holding it up playfully, he offered it to the Doctor standing in front of him. "You cheated."

"Not so bad, Jack. If we get some treatment in the TARDIS we'll be right as rain. Well, the two of us, I suppose you're usually right anyway."

Glancing to the side as the gun was cocked, the Doctor really didn't look all that worried. However, when John 'fired', he did pretend to be startled, clutching very dramatically at his right heart. It lasted for about two seconds before he started to smile.

The Doctor took the gun from John, his grin only widening as he opened it up to check. Just as he'd expected, unloaded. "So did you!" He threw the gun behind himself and started off in the direction of the TARDIS. "Come along now, John Hart, I'll give you something against the radiation. Wouldn't want that pretty hair to fall out, isn't that what Jack said?"

Now Jack felt cheated. He felt all of the tension leave his body at once, and it nearly left him weak on his feet. That really wasn't fair. He hated being left out of the loop on situations like this. He dropped his arms and rubbed his face, trying to get all of the tension out of it.

Now that the calamity was over, Jack felt a surge of rage shoot up through him, and he very, very much felt like punching John. So with a few steps to close the distance between them, he did, throwing his fist as hard as he could manage at John. "Don't you ever, EVER do something that stupid in front of me again!" He honestly didn't care whether or not John was having fun. Jack was pissed off, and he would drag John's unconscious body back to the TARDIS if he had to.

John reeled back, dropping his head downwards, blood dripping from his face because ow, that was certainly Jack's full effort. Growling in annoyance, John shoved Jack as hard as he could away from him, tempted to throw a punch himself. "I didn't have a loaded gun, you bastard! Why the hell did you hit me? I didn't do anything!"

Was the dumb stupid prank not funny for Jack? Well, that was weird! Wiping the blood off his face, he held out his hand to gesture to the Doctor, looking awfully annoyed that only he got punished. "Aren't you going hit him too? He knew! He could have told you, he lied. I always lie, what's his excuse? He's your mate."

Shaking his head, John started to leave because what else could he do? Fight Jack till he died of radiation? Nah, no fun. Plus Jack would be fine. Boring. "God sake, you don't shoot a bloke and look what happens? And then you ask why I always kill people!"

"Well. For the record, I technically didn't know until just before I enabled your vortex manipulator." The Doctor had turned around when the two started fighting behind him. Alright, Jack was the one throwing punches, but John didn't seem as if he was that far from it either. He shook his head when John seemed to calm down enough to just follow him instead. With a snap of his fingers he made the TARDIS doors open, waiting for the two Captains to be ready to go inside.

"Life's too short to waste time fighting! Make love not war! Something or other, I'm all out of quotes, come along already before I settle on Lion King again."

"I hit you because you could have killed our one ride out of here, you idiot! Do you know how to fly a TARDIS? Because I sure as hell don't! And even if it were loaded, you'd have done the same thing!" He growled and grabbed John by the jacket, shoving him in the direction of the TARDIS.

"Let's go before more of your terrible decisions end up killing us all." Now the question would be what to do with John, because in Jack's mind, that was definitely on the 'fuck up' end of the list. "I've about had it with you."

"How could I kill him with an unloaded gun? Prick." John shot back as he roughly jerked himself out of the hold, once again using all his weight to push Jack away because hey, he was a pretty strong and intimidating guy when he wanted to be. And when Jack wanted to hurt someone, he really went for it. "I wouldn't of shot our ride, genius. Never kill the driver, that's rule number one. God, you really do think I'm that stupid."

To be fair, John could sometimes be that stupid and it wouldn't be the first time he'd stranded himself somewhere in his recklessness. Whether it was killing a partner or accidentally mortally wounding the person with the keys to the ship. Though he did rarely kill anyone who had a ship he couldn't fly, he wasn't a total idiot after all. "If you've had it with me, let me go! It's not my fault you've decided you have to babysit me."

"Jack." The Doctor's voice was soft, gentle, just as his hand when he put it on Jack's shoulder once he was close enough. "It's alright. No harm done, he just had to try." He turned to walk inside the TARDIS, already starting her up while he still waited for the other two to follow behind him.

He hadn't been worried about John killing him, not really. For one thing, he was still waiting for four knocks. For another, for better or worse, John cared what Jack thought of him. And some things, as Jack's anger showed, could be a permanent deal breaker.

"Where do you want me to take you?"

"I've been on the business end of your stupid decisions, John, so yes, I do think you're that stupid." He grumbled and entered the TARDIS, feeling marginally less frisky than he did when he first entered in that night.

"You should probably take me home, Doctor," he said, leaning against a rail and rubbing the hand he'd struck John with. "Get this bastard to prison where he belongs. I'm sure someone's out there looking for him."

"See, see! This is exactly what I said would happen. What always happens. You get bored, you get lonely, you spend a few days with me and then you dump me off in a prison. You only kept me around cause eyecandy's having doubts about you and I was the entertainment for the week," John said with a smug smirk on his face, slamming his hand down onto the railings to make his point. Yes, it hurt, but he found it easier to fall into cocky than sad. Never show weakness, that was very important in his line of work. And, naturally, in prison. So it was worthwhile to get into the zone of it now.

He wasn't deluded, he was aware that this was his fault again but he never could help himself. This was just who he was. And he thought not using bullets would please Jack for once. Apparently not.

"And then he says bullshit like 'oh I don't want to see you suffer'. I mean give me a fucking break, Jack. You just tried to knock my teeth out," Rolling his eyes, John slumped over the rails and gave the Doctor a pointed look. "Hurry up then, nearest prison. Chop, chop!"

The Doctor put on his glasses, mainly so he'd have something to do while he felt like he had gotten caught in an argument that really had little to do with him.

"Eyecandy?" Was that a name or a nickname? One never knew with Welsh people. The Doctor decided that maybe it was better not to ask. Instead he was watching John, finding himself sympathetic to him without meaning to. Maybe it was because he thought he understood it. Maybe his reflex of cockiness was so very familiar, painfully so.

He turned to the console, pretending to set coordinates and mainly just focusing on getting them into orbit. "It will be a while, I need to get her all set. Wouldn't want to accidentally radiate another planet."

With a frown he pushed up his glasses and looked at Jack. "Can you take him to the infirmary? You know the way, right? The TARDIS can level out his radiation there, shouldn't take long. I just don't want him to play doctor." The Doctor winked at John. "Besides, it seemed like you had a lot of things to discuss when I picked you up." Discuss, snog, something like that.

"Ianto," Jack corrected, perhaps a little more stiff than he'd meant to. He hated that he couldn't go home right away and call Ianto and hear him tell him what a jerk John was.

"Oh, I think that conversation has well-passed by now, Doctor," he said with a decidedly bitter note. Jack pushed off from the rail and moved to start herding John in the direction of the med bay by way of shoves and little kicks to his injured leg. He couldn't understand how the Doctor wasn't upset by any of this, and actually seemed to be rather playful about it.

When they were out of earshot, Jack roughly grabbed John by the shoulder to make him listen. "Next time you want to play the sympathy card, try to make it credible. You know as well as I do that if I wanted you to suffer, I could make you suffer. You're lucky all you got away with was a punch. I should have knocked your teeth out for that stupid ploy."

"Fuck, ow! You kicked my leg, he kicked me leg!" John clarified very loudly for the sake of the Doctor because seriously, that was very rude and someone should punish Jack for doing it. With an annoyed sigh, he followed on with Jack... not that he had much choice, given that he was pretty much shoving him along the hallway and threatening his injured leg. Proper motivation always worked.

"He does like me, doesn't he? I can tell. Well, he does and he doesn't. I remind him of someone, he said so," John insisted with a smirk, seeming completely unbothered by the threats because hey, would Jack really hurt him around a man he adored and saluted who almost seemed on his side? Hopefully not. "I think it's an ex, personally. Does he have many tigger happy ex's? I bet that's what he's getting. Into the bad boys, is he? How cute."

Worth an ask. He could so use that to his advantage. "Look, if you were going to, you would have. But you didn't. If you want to then stop fucking around do it," John insisted, turning to Jack with a look that almost implored him to act. To do something. Because that would have made sense to him. But one moment Jack was worried, the next he was threatening, he understood violence more than these stupid emotions everyone had. "Go on, do it. Do something. I mean you wanted to before, didn't you? Got time now. Take all my teeth out and toss me in a jail if you hate me that much."

John did have a point. There was a point in time where he would have gladly taken out someone's teeth one by one, though generally for offences worse than that. Time had changed him, though it didn't remove the desire to do it altogether. The more and more John ran his mouth, the more he wanted to hit him again. But sadly, time was not exactly on their side. "Yeah, actually. The shit his ex did would make you seem like a basket of baby bunnies."

Jack stopped short when John unexpectedly turned to face him. He knew that look all too well. He'd fallen for it earlier that evening when they'd fought before, in fact. He'd always figured it as John's way of dodging or changing topics, and he hated that it worked so well. "I don't hate you. I'm pissed off at you, but I don't hate you. You're not worth wasting my energy on hate." He grabbed John by the shoulder and spun him back around, shoving him back down the hallway. "Move it."

"His ex sounds like fun. More fun than you two killjoys," John shot back, though he found it hard to believe that anyone could make him seem that sweet. And strangely enough, it near offended him. How someone be better at being worse.

"See, there you go, contradictions! I'm not worth your hate but I'm worth being stuck in your company cause I'm wounded. And hell, I'm worth a punch."

Okay not his best argument but never the less, John limped forward, knowing when it was easier to surrender. "I'd rather you hates me, Jack. Really."

"I wouldn't wish his ex on anyone. Not even you. If the Doctor says you remind him of his ex... I can see what he's saying. Not exactly a good thing, though. You are about as much of a dick as he is."

Jack frowned. He hated having to be mean, but John wasn't exactly making it easy for him to be nice, either. "It's not a contradiction if it's pity. And yes, John, I pity you, all right? I think you're sad and you're lonely, but you're too damn prideful to change anything, so you lash out and find unhealthy ways to cope, because it's easier that way. It's less wanting to be with you and more looking after you."

"The question is was he actually a dick or was he just fed up of dealing with you two. Cause if so, I totally get it," John insisted because seriously, this shit was getting hard to deal with. The Doctor was definitely softer about it but honestly, the morality bullshit was starting to give him a headache. As was Jack trying to talk sense to him. Did he look like the kind of guy who wanted this sort of talk? Cause he wasn't. He didn't want to hear about the guy he'd been hung up on pitying him.

"Don't pity me," John insisted coldly because sure, his life was flawed but he was happy. And if he ever wasn't happy, he knew plenty of illegal means to trick himself into thing he was happy. "And don't look after me either. Stick me in a prison as soon as we've checked just how nuked my body is because honestly, I couldn't give a shit any more. You can't just hold that constant threat over my head like that. Nah, fuck it, I'm done here."

He'd vastly rather be in prison than deal with this any longer. "Any jailer will be better to deal with than you."

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One last tag before sleep!

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